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subtle ruckus

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

4:26PM - discolored

dull tides in the
10-year-old bedroom.
sonic waves, peeled
paint. her stomach leaps
and the frog croaks as
the golden ball falls from
the startled princess.
the world shakes and
the mattress is soaked with
sweat. madonna whispers
'what it feels like for a girl'
yet she laments:
'it's too late'

Current mood: tired

Monday, April 12, 2004


my comic page is no more.

now, i don't even feel energetic.

if someone could observe my life like on a reality tv show they'd all puke in disgust and avoid me at all costs.

my stomach hurts right now and i am greedy, greedy, greey like sour potatoes and spit-pork.

my dad he censors his own house: no more channel 2. why? too much sin. 'you take their sin if you want' said my dad, 'i'll give you the password.' 'NO!' my mum said.

me and my aunties all read ernest hemmingway's the old man and the sea and snorted and laughed and said in deep sarcasm: 'why did this man win the noble prize?!'

chocolate never tastes the best when i actually own it.

Current mood: sick

Monday, March 29, 2004

4:33PM - sly

tired eyes
awkwardness escapes
karma breaks.

4:30PM - dew pane

your kindness
makes my fingers
coil like iron vice.
i wish you could have
scowled instead of
given that buttercup smile.
does it do either
you or me
any good when
the curtains are drawn
and our last breathes
are gone?

Sunday, March 28, 2004

10:13PM - futile gestures

now she is writing
that you will never
maybe you can hear
so i stand before
your dark-green grave
and sway with
the gentlest wind.
silly tears
lava against my cheek.
murmurs of a broken
throat and helpless
Oh. Oh. Oh.
now shoulders unrising
breath wasted
and the sun
paints my face.

Current mood: cynical

10:11PM - loyalty

i want to
rip your chest
with my long fingers
nails ripping flesh
and gracing tips with
purest crimson blood
the scent now wafts
like the juice of spring
fruit in a fairy-tale's

Current mood: tired

Wednesday, September 3, 2003


i just told my mum i loved her. she was glad but expressed in reply that she wished i was a woman. i guess that thing really irks her. my unfemininity i mean. it's true. i feel as feminine as a pre-teen boy. the only thing that seems good about me being a girl is my natural position with boys. i was created cute (by my opinion, at least) therefore i can act girlish and attract male attention in return. problem is, if i were a boy i think i would've liked sexual tension even better. girls are prettier, after all. curves and scents and smiles. they're warmer even when you look at them.

not the girls at my university, though.

a long time ago i used to be weak-willed. the local girls would make fun of me because i was a Yemeni and they were emirati and i am different and uncool and things like that. now i am still a Yemeni but i cross the line with them. i no longer want to be like them. their beauty is cold and attractive but not the kind i am looking for. not the kind that inspires, that's for sure.

so i guess university has a purpose, after all. :)

12:38AM - surreal

i stayed up last night and went to dubai with my dad and my mum to receive an indonesian maid. it was very strange and sentimental to observe empty streets. i've always thought the emirates' landscapes looked like child models; pretty greenery and shining skyscrapers.

and they are still growing.

i cried when my dad said that the "israeli" prime minister is coming to dubai. why? we don't need the likes of him in this country. this is one step deeper in the abyss. i hope it comes to an end while i am still alive.

it took a while to reach the inside of the airport but we got there. we waited a while. my parents prayed in the indoors airport mosque, and since i had pms, i just enjoyed the fluffy capret underneath my toes. my mum told me to tie my shoe laces with authority. i found it funny and did so.

the maid is the same age as me. she is the auntie of our maid. we have become our own "agency" so to speak.

when we got back home it was about 8am. needless to say i slept all day and woke up at 10pm. much mockery from my sisters. still, it was an interesting experience.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

7:51AM - mothering

i have a canadian acquaintance who is usually depressed. at first i felt bad for him. then i felt bad for myself for being there for him. i am a very selfish individual. but at least i'm nice. i gave him space. i usually tell him what's on my mind. oh, the humanity of it all.

i hosted a new girl. she is extremely talented. i am happy to have her. i sound like a damn mother. X)

i've finished a new page for metamorphosis. all that is left is bubbling it and the lettering. it shall be updated on monday as written, Allah's Willing.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

3:24PM - ambition

wow. a close friend has gotten engaged. she's pretty desperate, too. or was, really. X/ i feel sorry for her. she hasn't even applied herself in her career choice, yet, which was in the children's special care field. (don't know the exact term for it.) wasn't finding any encouragement from her parents. same goes to me. my folks aren't pretty hot about me being an author, but Allah's Willing, they shall succumb to the facts. X)

oh, and i've updated footsteps with five more pages. :D

Monday, August 4, 2003

9:43PM - it's always been there

man, do i need wireless internet. i have the laptop. we have the dsl connection. all i need is a dsl modem, a couple of network cards, and a wireless access point/adapter. do i need money bad. whoever says money doesn't create happiness must have been delusional. :/

a poem:

attempt at masquerade;
my dear
it's always been there
all you have to do is
kick away traditions, then
let a red streak glow.
trot away at nightshade
my, won't you watch
your shadow go!
straighten your throat
and gaze at grinning stars.
taste air with blood and
fall with a rueful heart

9:15AM - i need sleep badly like an octopus twined round starfish

yayness and all. i have completed three new pages of my comic metamorphosis. for the love of God, go see: http://fs.tinbox.org

in other news, i am very tired. i even finished installing an xmb forum on my other domain, and finished a bloody chrono cross theme for it (starring the silent hero serge, no less). yay for commitment. i go sleep now. zzz

Friday, August 1, 2003

9:00PM - cold people

i want to stop using netrillium.net for my domain/hosting needs. ermina, the person whom i primarily deal with, is very cold. i have a feeling she's prejudiced against Muslims/arabs which i both am. she always has this uppity super-formal feel when dealing with me. mostly. super-formal people aren't supposed to let you feel that dangabity cold, really. i see how other people deal with her on the support forum; not that coldly, really. you may think i'm being overly sensitive but i know myself better... at least on this particular issue, i verily do.

i'm thinking of transfering everything to this: http://www.uoindustries.com/hosting/ not only is it cheaper for MORE, a guy is primarily running it. guys are usually more friendly online than girls. and you don't need to tell them you're a girl, either, for them to be friendly. le sigh. i hope i don't chicken out. sometimes being anti-social isn't all that beneficial.

Thursday, July 31, 2003

9:17PM - wrong!

thought on gender symbols: i've always thought it was the other way around. no worries, a 20 year old female has got it right some long time ago. why i think it was/should be the other way around? because the male symbol shows an incomplete triangle which really illustrates the vagina's outline. and the female symbol shows something of a cross; the little line represents balls, and the line pointing downwards is the penis, obviously.

it appears that the male symbol is in a continuous state of arousal.

that was a long time ago, though. i'm pretty screwed inside my head most of the time. and thus ends your unnecessary info of the day. *ping*

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

10:31PM - just one of those days

my dad just came home from the states. i feel very grateful to have a father who is kind. to feel this surge of positive excitement upon his arrival. this kid in the papers with subtle tears in her eyes (no melodrama here) tells of her father who has abandoned her. not only that: and of how he has tried to drown her. twice at sea (oh innocence of the sea) and once in the bathroom as he "playfully" bathes her. i'm not much of a sensitive person but i can sympathize with that. i really can. after the second day of the publication of her story, it is publicy announced that an anonymous person has taken it upon her/himself to take in both her and her abandoned mother. i love this anonymous person and i am happy for shahla (girl's name.) it feels basicly humane to be happy for another person. it's a good feeling.

my dad brought us presents. watches, as expected. he sounded pretty happy about it, too. poor dad. he gave me the option to choose between two cases. i chose the one that is less expensive and my sister got the one that was expensive. i don't like how that works. now this sister of mine is younger than me by a year. but what's a year? just time. she's malicious in my book, in my very biased book that's how she is. and a malicious person getting what they have wanted without trying makes me sick. of course i do realize how petty i sound. but this is livejournal. i can say what i wanna say.

thanks to metallium. i needed the code. :)